Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

#MeanwhileInCanada

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.