If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
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If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I’m not wrong
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.