Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes