Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.