If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
A bold strategy
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
That’s easy for you to say
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
