If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
