If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Man these end times are taking forever
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Catercrombie & Fish
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
