If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*