Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team