Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.