Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

If my kids invented a drink.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.