If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.