If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Damn he played himself
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
seems fine
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.