If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
When someone trying to leave me
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Blocked: 1985
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN