Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Damn he played himself

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before