If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.