Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

Trumpy Cat

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true