If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
so, is there a mister shapen head
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.