Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house