Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

This is enough internet for the day.

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…