If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
i actually laughed 😩
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.