@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

You Might Also Like

@EndhooS

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

@Rollinintheseat

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@_alexwray

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

@AwkwardTwitts

“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”

@iGreenMonk

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !

@nappydolemite

I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.

@myles_morrison

Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.

@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@mewritesgood

I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:

DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!

Life lessons