@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

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@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.

@JillianKarger

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@david8hughes

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

@SouthernStylin1

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

@Just__J0

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

@praisecheese

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

@Carbosly

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

@GorillaNipples1

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

@junejuly12

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.