“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”
I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !
I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.
Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:
DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!