@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

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@PersianCeltic

When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network “HELP, I’M STILL ALIVE!”

@junejuly12

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

@VerifiedDrunk

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

@Bob_Janke

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@stevevsninjas

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

@batkaren

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

@Alohababe2011

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom?

Can I freeze my two year old until I’m ready?