If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.