Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

🤣

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”