If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.