If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I just tested negative for patience.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.