Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.