Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.