If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
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“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”