@ThisOneSayz

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

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@CornOnTheGoblin

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@junejuly12

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

@McGrumpenstein

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

@yungfedora

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

@daemonic3

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

@junejuly12

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

@TheGladStork

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

@envydatropic

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

@Elizasoul80

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.