If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

You Might Also Like


if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you


Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.


I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.


*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.


*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*


throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both


Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.


Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.


I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life


Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.