if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
throwin a party tonight
raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.