Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

ok like just. call me at this point

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

🌱🌱🌱

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES