Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

😂🍻

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*