If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
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I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
gender is a sprctrum
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
