If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
You Might Also Like
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Writing, She Murdered.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Finally a use for spoilers…
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed