Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.