If a snake ate a cake
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Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents