Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.