Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.