If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
