if a staircase can spiral so can i.
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you