if a staircase can spiral so can i.
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
bros in the example zone 😭
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth