if a staircase can spiral so can i.
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
you have three unread messages
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…