If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
First I was a pebble..
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks