If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.