Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

*Seductively hides in the woods

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.