If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
put ‘er there pardner!
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: