If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.