If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I’m hunting wabbits…
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.