If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators