Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.