Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Generation gap…

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.