Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”