Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ