Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table