If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time