Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Meanwhile in Canada…

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was