If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm