If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist