Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barbara was highly relatable

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

I did not eat the cake…

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

thoughts?

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it