@tracietom: If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that's where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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@SergioValenCo: If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
@Vivalazoso: The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.
@Reverend_Scott: Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.