@tracietom: If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that's where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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@mynameisntdave: ME: I love u GF: omg ME: and I wanna be with u always GF: *crying* ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u-- GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
@iwearaonesie: *wife comes out in a robe* I'm hiding your present Yes it's wrapped Nooo, it's not in the fridge [5 minutes later] IT'S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
@T_Bonezzz_: Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... [ *Coughs up hairball* ] Dog: You gonna eat that?
@markydoodoo: *strums guitar* This is a little ditty I've been working on called "Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies" Hope you like it.