If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Straight people are cancelled
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”