If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

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“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.


stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80


I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom


My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.


One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.


*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.


what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?


*puts finger over your lips*


*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*


Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing