@tracietom

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

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@SentenceReduced

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

@PaperWash

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

@marebytes

I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom

@AverageCorners

My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

@AimeeHelene1

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing