If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.