[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Nice try Hitler
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.