If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
No chill.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
long lost
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.