If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
me adding lol on a serious message
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”