Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

are they though??

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.