Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

security at the airport getting more straightforward

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.