If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Can’t stop laughing
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Sex so good you see dead people.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
It do be feeling this way.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.