If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
fair
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Inside you there are two wolves
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.