Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in