If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?