If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps