@OutOfLeftField_

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

You Might Also Like

@myonlymizztake

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@iwearaonesie

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

@mela_shea

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

@girlontapas

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

@Jennuflect

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

@RealLucasNeff

Billionaire: I’d like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I’ve got some great ideas–
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.

@Parkerlawyer

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

@katy_fit

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?