If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
How wrong was this guy?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.